I'm very sad. It's hard to express how horrible I feel about it.
Over the past few weeks, he was slowing down. Getting thin. He slept a lot more than usual, and lost interest in eating.
Early this past Saturday morning, I woke up to find that George had climbed into bed with J and me. He hadn't done that for a very long time.
He was breathing hard. I could tell he was focusing on getting air into his lungs. It was taking all of his energy. It seemed as though he was suffocating.
I believe that George came to our bed seeking help from us. He was scared, and didn't know what to do.
We did what we thought was best. With my sister's help, we used a gentle technique to euthanize him here at home. It was very quick, but I know he was afraid right before he died, which devastates me.
I had to go to work right after his death, which was really hard.
Goddamn it.
Over the past couple of weeks, I've had to work so much. I haven't had much time for anything. I do recall that a week ago I sat with him on my lap, and it was very nice. I had a cup of creamy coffee and he helped himself to little sips.
It sucks so much.
I'm not going to lie: he was my favorite.
I loved Bella dearly. I loved her very, very much.
George was...one of my best friends. My little guy. Small fry. A smile in my life.
He filled my heart.
I will always love him.
I am having a hard time accepting that he is not here anymore.
It's so goddamn hard to accept this!
I've been alternating between deep, horrible sadness and bizarre numbness over the past two days. Nothing seems quite real. Everything is strange to me. I've lost both my children in the past two months. I live in a house that isn't mine on borrowed time. The four cats in this house are okay, but I am not connected to them. Not truly.
J is at my side, but he does not belong to me.
I do not want anything to belong to me.
I seem to belong nowhere.
On December 31st, I am leaving my job of 4+ years. It's a decision I made.
I will go free.
I have some plans for myself over the next few months. I wish to seek some volunteer work. I will take a class for school. I have many personal projects to work on.
No matter what happens, I'll find ways to survive. I have my backpack and my sleeping bag and my boots. I have friends to count on for shelter and support if needed.
Yet I don't think I'm going to need much outside help. My life lacks the complications and costs that tangle up the existences of others. I don't have a car. I don't have a phone of my own. No debt or bills. No rent to pay right now. I have some savings, more than most. I know how to scrape by. I know how to make do, how to slip through the cracks, how to live with very little.
I cannot deny that I am excited about my future. I very much want to volunteer my time to a few organizations and do some good work. I am thrilled about finally (finally!) getting some much-longed-for sewing projects started, hopefully for a bit of profit in the form of a tiny business. I am also dreaming about getting a small bicycle-powered enterprise off the ground this winter, the details of which I shall get into another time...
With that, I bow my head in humility and acceptance as I step forward slowly.
I have hope, even as my heart is weighed down by sadness.
I shall ignore the critical words of others around me as I forge my own destiny and make my own decisions about what I define as meaningful work in these coming days and months.
For what else can I do, but work? I love to work. I am enriched by work.
I just wish to wield more power over the work I do.
Good night.
